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I testify to you that our general authorities as now constituted are those whom God wants to be at the head of His church. I so testify because I firmly believe that God gives us the leaders which we deserve. If we want better leaders we must stop spending so much time looking beyond the mark for things which are hard to understand and learn to love the Book of Mormon and other scriptures for the words of plainness contained therein.

The simplest, earliest beginnings of my testimony started when I was a young child. When I was six years old or less, my mother told me that life is a stage and we each play a part. It comforted me to know that someone was watching. When I was about ten years old I started attending a Southern Baptist Mission in the Pacheco town hall (Pacheco, California).

One evening before going to sleep I remembered an impressive Sunday School lesson and felt inspired to tell the Lord in my prayers that I wanted to serve Him. Later, one Sunday, at an alter call I went forward and made my profession of faith in Jesus Christ. When I was about twelve I was baptized and became a member of Pacheco First Baptist.

Through most of my teenage years I was very active in the Baptist Church, but in my late teens the Baptist propensity to condemn so much of the world’s population to Hell led me to question the correctness of their doctrine. By then I was well-versed in the New Testament and was pleased to discover that my L.D.S. friends could answer the questions I had about Baptist doctrine with verses from the Bible; verses which made the Lord I had come to love much easier to comprehend. Though Mormon doctrine was unique among the Christian churches, finding that it was in tune with the New Testament was reassuring and I enthusiastically accepted Joseph Smith as the prophet of the restoration of the gospel.

Latter-Day Saints believe that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon from a history of peoples who lived anciently on the American continent which was recorded on gold plates. Once I had a testimony of Joseph Smith it was easy to believe the Book of Mormon was the word of God. When a stranger asked the prophet how he governed his people he answered “I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves”. Understanding those principles and the nature of the God I loved and worshiped became my obsession.

As a Latter-Day Saint there were a lot of new things to learn and I found it easy to accept them on faith, even their history of polygamy and withholding the priesthood from blacks of African ancestry. Eventually I had to face the fact of the extreme racism which was behind the practice of withholding the priesthood from African blacks. My in-depth study of our history finally made it obvious that racists had gained a lot of influence in the church, enough influence to overcome Joseph Smith’s willingness to ordain blacks and scriptural accounts of the power of the atonement and the equality of believers. The popularity of believing in the principle of polygamy; believing in the practice when it was legal in spite of Book of Mormon passages which declare it an abomination, eventually also made me uneasy.

As my understanding of gospel principles and the nature of my Lord has grown I have found explanations which satisfy me. Ezekiel 20:24-25 speaks of statutes which are not good and judgments by which the Israelites should not live. In Matthew 5:31-48 the Savior tells of things the Law of Moses allowed because of the hardness of their hearts, but which He considered unacceptable. By extension it becomes easy to understand that when Melchizedek sanctified his people and sought the City of Enoch, Abraham was left behind and he was not invited to live such a sanctified life that he would be caught up to the City of Enoch. Abraham was left behind, but he did not take Melchizedek’s place, for according to Joseph Smith the Melchizedek Priesthood is superior to the Patriarchal Order. Melchizedek and other outstanding High Priests after the Order of the Son of God were ordained by the hand of God, but Abraham was ordained by Melchizedek. Abraham had a different calling in becoming the Father of the Faithful, and lesser expectations of his behavior, thus the offspring of his extra wives were not considered part of Abraham’s covenant with God. Abraham was allowed to marry and take concubines of women whose lineage would deny their offspring the privilege of being part of the covenant people.

When we were living in Chico, California I had a life changing experience. When the then current president of the church passed away Joseph Fielding Smith was chosen and sustained in the usual manner. Our new leader was a bit controversial and lacked credibility with some members of the church and that included me. When time came for the first Fast and Testimony Meeting after the naming of our new leader, I knew I had to go to the podium and say something, but I was uncertain what that would be. I acknowledged the fact of his lack of credibility with me and with some other members of the church, then stated my certainty that he was the one the Lord wanted to lead the church at that time. When I walked back to my pew I was so full of the spirit that I seemed to be almost floating for my feet felt like they hardly touched the floor. A little later on President Fred Olsen of the large Orland Branch talked us into moving to Orland where I became his Executive Secretary and the leader of the older scouts.

After a year in Orland we moved to Woodbridge, near Lodi, California from where I commuted to the south edge of Sacramento. While we were in Woodbridge, I became a member of the San Joaquin Stake quorum of Seventy. As we were only renting our home we decided to buy one closer to work, in Elk Grove. Soon I was one of the Seven Presidents of Seventy in Sacramento South Stake. In San Joaquin Stake I had learned about the nearness of polygamists who had been excommunicated while serving in stake and ward callings. In Sacramento South Stake I learned about the influence of racists when I noticed members telling their non-member friends, who hated blacks, to join the church because we know how to keep the blacks in their place. I spoke out against polygamy and told the Investigator class that the black skin was not the mark of Cain and that blacks could be baptized for the dead in our temples. The trouble this caused me motivated me to study our history, scriptures, and the Journal of Discourses for several years.

One of the favorite sayings of those obsessed with polygamy was, “If you are righteous enough one day you will be asked to do something which was previously thought to be evil”. Single adult sisters were being told that they were not as accountable for sex sin as were the brethren. It looked to me like there was an effort to recruit polygamists in the Sacramento South Stake and I had already heard evidence of the success of that effort in San Joaquin Stake.

When the announcement of the availability of the priesthood to men of all races came the reaction in Sacramento South Stake varied. Some said that the change came because of political pressure. Others said that the Mini-Series “Roots” was a sign that blacks were ready for the priesthood. There was no mention of the fact that Brigham Young and even current general authorities boldly proclaimed that the blacks would never obtain the priesthood during mortality, they would have to wait until all the other sons of Adam had been given the chance. The Pearl of Great Price had emboldened racists in the church which decreased its credibility in my eyes. Perhaps it was given to the Saints as a test to see if we really believed the Book of Mormon which taught that the gospel was for all nations. The doctrine being taught in the Sacramento South Stake and the things I found in our history gave me reason to fear the evil influences in the church. I left the church for about 25 years, but I did not give up my testimony of the restoration of the gospel to Joseph Smith.

I joined and was active in the RLDS Church (The Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Saints) for a couple of years. When I realized it was a mistake to join that church I became angry at the Lord. Anger and false pride kept me from acknowledging that since the Lord put up with the Children of Israel for hundreds of years, it was foolish of me to think that He would give up on the Mormons after only a few decades. It was foolish of me to think that He would choose the RLDS people who refused to accept the punishment promised the Latter-Day Saints for their failures and discard those who endured being scourged from city to city until they could settle in the Rocky Mountains. I had also set aside that witness of the spirit I received in a Chico Ward Fast and Testimony meeting. The physical pain and emotional suffering I endured for most of that twenty five years of my apostasy was horrible and something I would not wish on anyone. I had for some time been afflicted with some kind of wasting disease which resulted in motor nerves dying and muscles atrophying. Most of a work day was spent with painfully knotted up muscles and painful joints.

After I retired I began to have very vivid nightmares. One night I would dream that I was once again working for A.B. Dick servicing printing equipment, but was behind in my service contract work. When I woke up I was feeling panicky about the need to find a job, even though I was already retired. Another night I would have a similar dream about 3M Company with the same result. Eventually I would dream I was back in the mission field, but not doing my missionary work and I would wake up feeling I was in trouble with the Lord. After this had been going on for some months, my four year old granddaughter would sing “I am a child of God” while she was sitting on my lap. This happened during several visits and I eventually started singing along with her. Before long I was beginning to feel like I was a bad influence on my kids and grandchildren. At this point a demon entered my nightmares and tried to make me feel unworthy to come back to the church.

Feeling that my dreams were telling me that I had made a mistake in leaving the church I had to consider the fact that the Lord had not given up on the Israelites through hundreds of years which made me feel foolish for thinking that the Lord would give up on the Mormons after only a few decades. Once I decided to come back the demon left my dreams. News of my return to the church spread quickly and there was standing room only at my rebaptism.

After being active for a year it was allowable for me to apply for the renewal of my blessings, which included my priesthood. I was required to write a letter to the First Presidency in order to plead my case. I was quite frank in the letter, telling them that my testimony no longer required me to believe that all of our leaders had been true to their callings and that I no longer considered the Pearl of Great Price completely credible. This admission did not result in any negative feedback from the First Presidency or from the Seventy they sent to restore my blessings when I repeated my remarks about my testimony to him. However, a few of the local members were not so tolerant of me as were our general authorities. Soon I felt that I had a target on my back as a handful of my brethren took turns making me feel unwelcome in the church.

It has long been my feeling that the gospel should be simple and easy to understand. Efforts by  ambitious members of the church playing a game of one-upmanship and looking beyond the mark did not impress me. Such efforts have a long history in the church. First it was with racist dogma as new reasons for withholding the priesthood were dreamed up. The same thing happened with polygamy. The list is long, so bear with me; the Word of Wisdom should include a prohibition against cola drinks was an off again, on again effort for some time. For awhile it was popular to believe that the only ones to rate the mercies of Christ were children under the age of eight, and the mentally deficient in spite of what the Book of Mormon says. Some thought that sex sin leaves scars which the atonement cannot cover up. With the scriptures saying that Mary was carried away in the spirit when she became pregnant, that had to be improved on, in the minds of some, so God could be seen as a polygamist because that way God could have sex with Mary as one of his wives. Not thinking it was all right for God to lend his wife, Mary, to Joseph so Jesus could have a half-brother or two I always thought it made sense to describe the Saviors birth as a virgin birth. Another excuse for obsessing on polygamy was to imagine that we need to have a lot of wives so that we can each go off to some distant corner of the universe with our polygamous harems to populate a world of our own with spirit children.

Before coming to the earth we agreed that we would be judged for our deeds in the flesh. Jesus assured us that He would assume responsibility and be punished for the mistakes of those who would repent and agree to serve him. About a century ago, one of our most erudite Apostles, James E. Talmage, expanded the meaning of atonement. He used so many big words that a contextual dictionary was included with one or two of his books. For brother Talmage, atonement could not be defined in such simple terms as it was traditionally. The sacrifice of an animal was a way of transferring punishment from the Israelites to the animal. This could also be seen as a symbolic way of transferring guilt to the animal sacrifice. The animal was punished instead of human sinners. God did not want to punish his people so his anger was spent on the animal sacrifice. For a man as learned as Elder Talmage, this was too simple an explanation of the Savior’s atonement. Jesus, in a very literal way took the punishment for our sins upon himself, but symbolically taking our guilt upon himself was not enough for Elder Talmage. Jesus must feel the weight of each and every sin of each and every person. I don’t know how He could do that, but it sounds like something more gross than watching an X-rated movie. We are warned against watching pornography. If I cannot watch pornography without endangering my standing in the church, how could the Savior feel the weight of all the sins of creation and still be a guiltless sacrifice for our sins? What kind of experience is involved in feeling the weight of our sins? Did He perform something like a Volcan mind meld on each of us?  

Some of our current general authorities have done Elder Talmage one better. Elder Talmage proclaimed that Jesus atoned for all the sins of creation from Adam to the final judgment. In The Infinite Atonement, Elder Callister proclaimed that the atonement covered every sin from infinitely in the past to infinitely in the future. Now we are being treated to yet another huge step in one-upmanship as some of our general authorities are asking us to believe that Jesus atoned for all of our sicknesses and stresses. On one occasion when the Savior healed a man He simply told him that his sins were forgiven. So at least some of our physical problems are the result of sin. Sometimes they may be simply the result of poor eating habits or ineffective safety practices or even the result of someone else’s misdeeds. And if we assume that the Lord has indeed atoned for our sicknesses and stresses, what does that mean? Though I can repent of behavior which causes sickness, I cannot repent of an illness, so how can the Savior atone for sickness or stress, or anything which I cannot repent of? Since atonement is not effective in a persons life without repentance, how can atonement for our sicknesses accomplish anything? A poorly developed sense of discretion bids me pass off such nonsense as supercilious piety, but that will not do for me, so please allow me to borrow a parable I heard many years ago.

The details of this parable are very dim in my memory, but here goes: It seems a couple of missionaries wanted to visit and preach to the inhabitants of a sparsely settled area in a semi-civilized part of their mission. They approached a local member of the church who was familiar with the area and its inhabitants and had suitable transportation for the poorly maintained dirt roads. Arrangements were made to invite the scattered residents to a meeting at a community site familiar to everyone. When the missionaries and their guide arrived the invited guests were just beginning to show up, most on foot or on horseback. Their host introduced them to the crowd when they finished filing in. After a suitable prayer the missionaries took turns delivering their message which they thought was well received judging by enthusiastic interruptions as the crowd shouted “ungawah, ungawah”. When the meeting was over, their host guided them through the trees and horses to where their transportation was parked. Don’t step in the ungawah was his earnest suggestion.

Brethren, we love you and sustain you, but please keep the ungawah out of your sermons. I was born in a log farmhouse. When the ungawah plops to the ground from a farm animal’s anal orifice, I recognize the sound. When I step in the ungawah, I recognize the smell. When I am aware of my surroundings I recognize ungawah by sight. I am reminded of one of Paul’s letters wherein he said something like, “There must also be ungawah among you, that those who are approved of God may be made manifest among you.” In the early days of the church, after members of Joseph Smith’s first presidency had ordained the first quorum of Twelve Apostles and had blest them, Oliver Cowdery, a member of the first presidency, told them that their ordinations were not complete until God had laid hands on them. I find myself wondering how many of our general authorities have had God lay hands on them. Perhaps ungawah in their talks speaks to the question of whether or not God has laid hands on them.

I testify to you that our general authorities as now constituted are those whom God wants to be at the head of His church. I so testify because I firmly believe that God gives us the leaders which we deserve. If we want better leaders we must stop spending so much time  looking beyond the mark for things which are hard to understand and learn to love the scriptures for the words of plainness contained therein.

I am glad to be back in the church. I find myself sadder, but wiser. My pet peeves in the church include the poor understanding of our church history and doctrine, and efforts at one-upmanship by the highly ambitious. Believing that those who find me offensive are either obsessed with polygamy, racism, or are merely self-righteous snobs, I wrote a book titled, Will the Real Mormons Stand Up and Sound the Alarm?. It was written in an effort to undermine the foundations of racism, polygamy, and snobbery in the church. It contains a brief history of the church and my life in the church.